How to avoid heart attacks

New Australian Constitution

Here are some facts from the 1500s

Welcome to the Mental Health telephone helpline.

JOKES

Idiot sightings

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched!

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call thelocal township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun." We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instictively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

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CHOCOLATE FACTS:

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables.

Therefore chocolate is a vegetable!

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy.

So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, isn't that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.

That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.

An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

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Heart attack Information

B .On the other hand the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans , British or Australians

C. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans British or Australians

D. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks.

*Conclusion.*: Eat and Drink what you like. Its speaking English that kills you.

New Australian Constitution (makes fun of everyone)

Here are some facts from the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pet dogs, cats and
the small animals: mice, rats & bugs - lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof,
hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet.
So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway, hence a - "threshold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a quite a
while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth and that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood,
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, one would get "trenchmouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid
out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the
custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house
and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell, thus, someone could be "saved by the bell," or was considered a "dead ringer."
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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone helpline.

Please note that due to a shortage of rooms, today's Agoraphobia Workshop has been moved to the Picnic Area.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.

If you are in denial, please press 6 to confirm that everything is OK.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are delusional, please press 7 and we will beam you back to your mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, the voices will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which button you press - no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, please press 6996669696.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

For details of the Anger Management class, please press 8 VERY GENTLY.

If you have amnesia, please press 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date and place of birth, Social Security number, bank account number and your mother's maiden name, then memorize the reference number we give you.

If you are suffering from a guilt complex, you shouldn't have phoned us in the first place and you are just wasting our valuable time.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are anorexic, your pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. No one wants to talk to a pitiful loser like you.

If you are disorientated, please a message leave the bleep after, or before the bleep, or leave a bleep after
the message. Or after the bleep. Please tone the wait for.

If you are hallucinatory, please be aware that the thing you are holding by you ear is alive and about to bite the side of your head off.

If you have an addictive personality, please press * to repeat this message.
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Great Predictions from Great People

I must confess that my imagination... refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea. H. G. WELLS, British novelist, 1901

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. Marshal FERDINAND FOCH, French military strategist and future World War I commander, 1911

The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad. A president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising HORACE RACKHAM (Henry Ford's lawyer) not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903. Rackham ignored the advice, bought $5,000 worth of stock and sold it several years later for $12.5 million.

Believe me, Germany is unable to wage war. Former British prime minister DAVID LLOYD GEORGE, Aug. 1, 1934

Everything that can be invented has been invented. CHARLES H. DUELL, U.S. commissioner of patents, 1899

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? HARRY M. WARNER, Warner Brothers, 1927

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. KENNETH OLSEN, president and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances. Dr. LEE DE FOREST, inventor of the Audion tube and a father of radio,Feb.25, 1967

What use could this company make of an electrical toy? Western Union president WILLIAM ORTON, rejecting Alexander Graham Bell's offer to sell his struggling telephone company to Western Union for $100,000

Computers in the future may perhaps only weigh 1.5 tons. POPULAR MECHANICS, forecasting the development of computer technology, 1949

Nobody now fears that a Japanese fleet could deal an unexpected blow on our Pacific possessions... Radio makes surprise impossible. JOSEPHUS DANIELS, former U.S. secretary of the Navy, Oct.16, 1922

We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. DECCA RECORDS, rejecting the Beatles, 1962

The election of Hoover should result in continued prosperity for 1929. ROGER W. BABSON, American financial statistician and founder of the Babson Institute, Sept. 17, 1928

Radio has no future. LORD KELVIN, Scottish mathematician and physicist, former president of the Royal Society, 1897

I have no political ambitions for myself or my children. JOSEPH P. KENNEDY, 1936

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. IRVING FISHER, professor of economics, Yale University, Oct. 17, 1929

Television won't be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night. DARRYL F. ZANUCK, head of 20th Century Fox, 1946

For the majority of people, the use of tobacco has a beneficial effect. Dr. IAN G. MACDONALD, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in Newsweek, Nov. 18, 1963

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What follows is a transcript of the speech delivered by Larry Ellison, CEO of ORACLE (2nd Richest Man on the Planet) at the Yale University last month:

"Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: Five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude.

"In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers.

I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not. "Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now, anyway is a college dropout, and you are not. "Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not. "And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not."

"Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.' All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy.

"You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.

"Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?'

Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortar boards on your heads."

"Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago."

"Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up. "For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me dow..."